The wonderwall

Its 12:47 in the night, like most of the other nights I am not able to sleep. I don’t know why this happens, I think in the day light when there is chaos everywhere, just to escape it I sleep and in the night I roam about to enjoy this peace. So I am just taking a walk outside the campus, somewhere I don’t know, along the river. Like most of the times too raveled with my own self, walking with my hands in my pockets. It’s a full moon, all I can hear is the flowing water and the wind playing with trees along the road side as if they are kids and its just messing with their hairs. As a rule I have my one last cigarette in my pocket and I am about to lit it up.

 “Hmm… so I guess its time, Aditya” I heard a voice, actually the voice was so similar to mine I thought that I was talking to my self, because I was all alone and I’ve heard no one following me.

“What are you thinking?” the voice came from over my shoulder. I turned around to see who was it? And the sight was something I can call the “most” surprising one. A guy dressed all black, with a smile on his face, a smile so confident, so obvious, so soothing a smile that can give even a full moon some competition and the fact that made it hard to believe was he looked exactly like me. But with a little more satisfaction and happiness on his face. My obvious reaction should be “what the fuck?” and I should be scared but I can’t explain you the calmness on his face that though I was shocked and amazed but some how I was not scared.

 “Who are you?” I said,

Without disturbing the calmness on his face he said, “I thought you recognized me.”

“You are me?”

“Not exactly. Actually I am your end, I am your death.”

Even the environment and the situation were odd and scary but I couldn’t help it, I started laughing.

“My death?”

His smile grew wider and he said, “Yep… that’s right.”

“So my own death is standing right in front of me? You are an angel of death?” I couldn’t stop laughing.

“Hmm… ‘Angel’ is a word of your choice; I won’t call my self an angel”

“Ok… why should I believe you? Actually how the fuck should I believe you?” I said.

Still the coolness and calmness on his face was maintained and it has started to annoy me a little bit. “ So I guess you have a better explanation of the fact that a guy who looks exactly like you, whom you have never seen is standing in front of you at this time of night.”

“You may be someone who looks like me and just trying to fuck up my mind.”

“Yeah… that is a possibility but then how would I know that you have exactly one cigarette in your left pocket and before listening to my voice you were about to lit that up, thinking about the little fight you and your brother had last summer?”

Now I would admit, I was a little scared.

He continued, “of course you have an option of not believing me, it would surely not affect my work here but then as a friend I would say its better if you do.”  

After a long scary pause, I gathered the courage to speak,

“So if I believe you, its time? I mean it’s all over? What are we waiting for then?”

“Yeah it’s almost time. So you have any last wish?”

I thought for a moment and said, “I guess I would have that last cigarette of mine”

He smiled again and said “sure, lit up one for me too”

“But I have just one.” And as I slide my hand into my pocket I found two of them. I thought how could…? But then an extra cigarette is nothing to be amazed of than finding a guy who looks exactly like me and says that he is my death. I lit up both of them and we sat on the bank of the river. I know it looks foolish but the situation and the confidence on his face somehow convinced me that he was not a fake and besides I had no other option.

 After a few moments I said, “So how exactly is it going to happen? I mean accident; I would drown in this river, heart-attack, brain ham rage or what?”

 He laughed and said, “I will just touch your head and it’s all over, after that it’s for the world to figure out, I don’t think you need to worry about that.”

“Would it be painful?”

“Are you really worried about the pain right now? By the way it won’t be, I’ll take care of it”

Actually he was right I was not worried about the pain. Interrupting my thoughts he asked, “So what are you worried about then?”

“You can read my mind?”

“I told you its better if you believe me. So what is it?”

With a sigh I replied, “About the people who love me or at least like me, they will miss me… huh?”

“C’mon man they had your whole life to care about you and however most of them will forget you in a week or so, some will take a few months and a very few would name one of their kids after you and then scold him and kick his ass for the rest of his life.” and he started laughing.

And now I realized that there is actually nothing to worry about and even I am having a smoke with my own death, I was feeling this relaxed, free and happy for the first time as long as can I remember.

“So what your name, what should I call you?”

“Hmm… I don’t think we have so much time”

 After a few more moments, I asked,

“So what’s with your look? Do you look like a mirror to everyone?”

Again with the same coolness that he has maintained he replied,

“No… actually I look like the way you want me to see.”

“Hey… do you even meet everyone before taking them away?”

He laughed and said, “What makes you think that you are special? Of course I do.”

“So are there others like you?”

“Yep, one for everyone. You know you ask a lot of questions…”

I smiled and said, “Usually I am not that curious, but then it’s not everyday that you have a fag with your own death.”

I continued, “So what is all this last wish stuff? What if I asked something you could not give me?”

“You really think there is something I can’t?”

“I could have asked to marry some superstar or marry my love and have kids, and then would you have waited for me?”

He said, “I don’t think someone would be that stupid to ask to marry a superstar when he knows it’s all over and he is going a better place than this. About marrying your love and having kids, man its life and you can’t ask for life from your death.”

“Hmm… but I should have asked for a moment to call and tell someone I love you even now.”

“Hehehe… but you didn’t and I knew you won’t.”

“So you already knew what I was about to ask for?”

“Yep…”

“Then why did you asked me?”

Now he put his arm over my shoulder, smiled and said, “What do you think I am doing talking to a guy who is about to die? Why am I sharing things with you? Why am I answering all your questions when I know and you know that it’s of no use to anyone? I knew what you will say and I know what you are about to say, but I think you have a few more minutes left and my job is also a bit boring so why not some time pass?”

 Without wasting much time only after a few seconds I asked him, “Where am I going hell, heaven or I‘ll be thrown back on this earth?”

“Well, that actually is not my department, I don’t know.”

“At least there is something you don’t know.” I said, rolling my eyes.

“C’mon there a lot of things I don’t know why don’t you help me out here. Tell me something have you lived your life, have you enjoyed it, are you ready to leave this world?”

Like most of the other times I did not had an answer ready for this one, I paused for a few seconds and said,

“If I have to answer in the shortest possible way my answer would be, No.”

“And why is that?”

“There are things I wanted to do but I never did, things I wanted to happen but they never did, so I can’t say I lived my life the way I wanted to or enjoyed it, but I guess that’s the way it is, so yes I am ready to leave this world.”

 Then there was silence and both of us were looking at the beautiful river. Looking at the river I asked him the last question,

“I know you must have asked these questions about their lives to many people, can you tell me what they said?”

For the first time he answered without a smile on his face,

“Human life is not fair and it’s not fair to anyone, everyone has these unfinished business things they didn’t do, things they wanted but never happened to them and everyone reacts differently to them. Some deals this unfairness with grief, some with anger; some with denial and a few just accept it, like you.”

The sun was about to rise, the birds just woke up and were ready to fly away to gather food and as both of us took our last puff, I said,

“The fag really lasted long.” And I smiled at him.

“Hmm… it lasted the time you had left. I guess it’s time, Aditya.”

I took a deep breath and looked at him.

Now with the same calmness but without a smile on his face he said,

“Just hold my hand tight and close your eyes, don’t worry it won’t hurt.”

I smiled, stood up, held his hand which was chilling and finally closed my eyes.