Road To No-where.
I opened my eyes and I was walking on a road to no where. I don’t know how I got here and I have no idea where to go now. Though I keep walking and try never to stop but when I started I was no where and still I am no where. Sometimes I just convince myself that, ok I may be going there, may be I don’t want to go there but I am… and sometimes I just can’t.
Thinking about past makes me feel sorry and thinking about future makes me feel restless. So the only way is to think of present but then if you ask me there exist no ‘present’. The moment that you are calling ‘present’ has already fallen in the deep dark well of past. And the moment which you are going to say is ‘present’ is still somewhere on the clouds of future. So if I can’t think of past and I cant think of future and there exist no present then to keep myself calm and happy I should not be thinking at all, but sadly I do…
Then I tried asking myself why do I feel sorry about past? The life I have right now, many people would die to have it. But then it seems a lie to me, to try to feel happy because someone else is sadder than you. Then I tried of thinking about things which I should have done, which could have made me truly happy and I could think of nothing. May be all along it was not my fault, may be its no one’s fault, May be I am just a kid trapped in this open world, stuck in a storm without a shelter and most sadly I can’t even figure out what a shelter means. So at the so called ‘present’ I am handicapped, I have a disability to feel happy about anything, I feel dark even in of my own shadow.
Then I tried asking myself what can go wrong from here? I have nothing to loose, thing are only going to get better from here, may be future is my life. But then it seems all like day dreaming, future is something which defines the word ‘uncertain’ and my whole mental peace is a castle of sand on a beech of future hoping that the waves of time would never hit it.
Thinking all of this I keep walking on this road, on which my last step, was my past and the step I am about take is my future and there is no present. The road which I could never understand that whether I took it or the road has taken me. The road which runs from no where to no where. There are no turns or no stops on it so I’ll have to walk on this road to no where.
84 mm OF PEACE
This… right here, whatever I am writing will have a lot mistakes because as I type, I can hardly see my computer screen.
Its 3:34 in the night or in the morning whatever way you see it. The music in my room is so damn loud that I can’t even listen to my own inner voice. I can’t see the computer screen or even that the door is closed or opened because of the smoke. It’s so dark outside and the only source of light as I can see from my bed is my computer screen. My whole room has turned into an ash tray, I can’t see any books or clothes all I can see, feel, smell and imagine is ash and cigarette buds all around me. I am typing very slow… very slow… because my right hand is preoccupied.
To anyone looking at me it would seem like I am living in a hell, this room is a complete mess. But as I see it, it’s very peaceful and relaxing. So what makes me feel like this? It’s not like my exams are over or I have achieved what I wanted in life and so it doesn’t matter what’s around me anymore. The thing that makes this mess so peaceful for me is a very small white colored stick. So what is my right hand occupied with? Some would say its slow poison, some would say its death, and some would say it’s the worst habit in this world, but as I see it, its 84 mm of peace for me.
On a packet of cigarettes the words that are given the most importance are “CIGARETTE SMOKING IS INJURIOUS TO HEALTH”, they are written in bold letters and on the front, inside a box. And as I bought my first packet of peace those were the first words I read, but at that time I was so raveled with something else that I thought let it be and as I took the first puff those words slowly started fading away. Now I don’t even look at them or even if I do it all seems a joke to me.
Though I am still new to world of smokers but a lot of times it seems as if this is the thing I was looking for and in this small period of time I’ve learned some interesting and important rules about smoking like (as one of my non-smoker friend said) “irrespective of the direction of wind the smoke always goes towards the non-smoker’s face”. Rules like never light-up your last cigarette, I don’t share the same cigarette with anyone. I don’t know about other people why they smoke? May be some do it when they are tensed, some do it to show others that they can, a few don’t think about the question “why?” and some do it just for fun or to satisfy their zeal of “trying everything in life at least for once”, but as I see it, I do it for peace. It calms down all the chaos around me.
So I hope that all the smokers know the best thing about a cigarette (and non-smokers… please don’t bother you can never understand it) but the worst thing is that it lasts only for a few minutes.
